The End of this Life

He was so cold.

He hated to be cold. I couldn’t let him be cold. All he had on him was a white sheet. The room’s AC was at full blast. He was so cold.

I looked for something to put on him; warm him. The room had been cleared. There was nothing. I began to take off my shirt and then stopped. I leaned over and held him in my arms, hoping that my body heat would warm him.

I was crying so hard I did not hear the nurse. Then I did. She told me I couldn’t do what I was doing. I could not hold him. I could not be on his bed. I turned and told her to fuck off and leave me alone. She went away.

He was so cold – and there was nothing I could do for him. This kind and gentle man who never asked for anything for himself. I was so angry that I couldn’t get him warm. He hated to be cold.

The sobs came from a part of me, so deep, from a place I had never known; had never been touched. My throat ached as if I had been screaming, I looked around for my glasses, I couldn’t see. Everything was a blur. I realized that I had them on – my tears had fogged my eyesight. I took them off and put them on the table.

The same nurse came in. She asked me if I wanted a sedative. I shook my head no and she left the room; closing the door. My guttural sobs were disturbing the neighbors. I simply did not care.

I couldn’t stop myself. I would stop and then a flood of emotions would make me cry and sob deeper. His sheet was wet. He was cold and he was wet. I realized that the wetness was from my tears.

I don’t know how long this went on. At one point I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up. Friends that I had ‘phoned on my way over had arrived. We sat in chairs around him. The British classical radio station that had been playing for days was still on. I thought how happy I was that he left this world with music; he lived for music.

Time passed. I must have agreed to a funeral home. There was a knock on the door. It was 4:30 AM. Two men in formal suits, but who had not shaved, were standing there. They were ready to take him from me. Forever. Friends said goodbye. I asked to be alone with him.

I went over and sat next to him. This wonderful, generous, loving man who had changed so many lives; saved so many lives, who gave me a life I’d never dreamt I’d have – he was dead. After a few minutes I stood up. I told him that I loved him. I thanked him for his love. I kissed his forehead and pulled the sheet over his head. I walked to the door without looking back. The men in dark suits were waiting. I told them that they could go in.

We agreed to meet on the beach to watch the sun come up. Our friends Paul, Colette, Tom, Bobbi and Jane went there with me. The beach was empty. It seemed to go on for miles. The sun was just breaking through the haze of early summer mist. I wrote his name in the sand and watched as the waves slowly took it away.